Tick-tock, tick-tock.

I’ve rejoined the wubbulous world of Facebook.

Over 2 years ago I decided one day that I was sick & tired of people always complaining about the same things, the ridiculous abused children/animals posts, the in-your-face religious memes…just all of it. So I quit. Cold turkey. Which is surprising for me because I have an “addictive” personality & can’t even quit cigarettes cold turkey.

I guess I was just bored & looking for something to do. Usually I’ll play Pet Rescue but when you’re stuck on a level & already in a worried/depressed mood, it isn’t very helpful to take your mind off of things…it’s downright aggravating. It took me a few lots of tries to remember my password but eventually I did. I have to admit, I did miss it somewhat…being connected in some way with people I know & the world in general; I missed seeing the cute/awesome/so true memes; I missed seeing people’s pictures. And I’m already instantaneously re-addicted. It is such a time passer! I feel a little like an idiot liking & commenting on posts & pictures that people probably haven’t thought about it months, but I’m playing catch-up so I guess it’s alright.

Reconnecting with people & extended family has been nice, though. It has made me feel a little less lost, a little less alone (and by alone I mean the 5 of us as a family kind of being on our own, feeling disconnected from family). Of course it sucks when I finally pull myself away & my reality comes back smacking me in the face. And it sucks to see other people’s lives so successful, complete, happy…normal. Not that I begrudge them that, no no no; it just hammers home how upside down my life is right now, which really gets to me if I let it.

I’d like to link my blog to my profile, but lately all I can seem to write about are my troubles (because they’re the main focus right now) & I don’t particularly want all of Facebook knowing all of this. I’m not one of those fakey-fakers who is all “Oh my life is so perfect, I’m so wonderful, ain’t everything great!”; I think there is a difference between purposely portraying something (like an ideal version of your life) & choosing not to actively disclose details. Of the people who have asked “How are you?” I’ve answered them honestly with “Okay” (because technically I am okay…we’re all alive & healthy) & haven’t elaborated with lies or the truth. So, until things work out, I don’t feel comfy linking the two. It’s embarrassing, depressing, unnecessary.

Aside from that, we’re in limbo. Well I don’t guess it’s “we’re” since the kids are unaware of “the housing situation” but all the same…it’s very awkward having an elephant in the room. Despite the fact that all 3 of us are adults & hubs & I are perfectly okay with “adult talks”, it’s hard to know what the right thing to do is…if we should approach him or wait until he approaches us. We have some progress & possible developments in the wings however they require a little time before (hopefully–fingers crossed!) coming full circle. If he’d be willing to work with us & allow us a little more time, I truly feel–with valid reasons–like we’re on the brink of being able to start repairing this mess. Really.

All we need is just a little time.

Meanwhile, take a minute & be grateful for what you do have. If it’s a secure place to lay your head at night…if it’s a best friend to help absorb your troubles…if it’s a fresh taco & glass of homemade lemonade on a hot day…if it’s the ability to go watch fireworks on the 4th…whatever it is, recognize it & be grateful for it.

All of it.

Woes are me.

What a rollercoaster of a week thus far. I feel like I say that in every post but this week it’s truly true. There is so much I don’t know where to begin, what to disclose, how to organize it to be coherent…I just feel the need to write. I want to pour my heart out, but can’t without revealing every..single..last..detail that I don’t particularly want all of creation to know. I also want to just spit out a simple feel-good post, partly because I never do anymore…a majority of my posts are depressing, depressed, whiny, bitchy, negative, etc cetera.

Now that I’ve brought it up I may as well tell you that we’re on the brink of pure homelessness, which is completely terrifying. I’m pretty sure the past year (and moving forward yet) has been the most horrible year we’ve had; well, neck in neck with the year Mom passed. Without rehashing all of the previously disclosed details (haha, gives you a reason to go back & read more of my posts!), our Housemate is anxious to put his house on the market; that means we need to skidaddle & he seems to think that a week’s length is adequate time for a family of 5 (with, ahem, no vehicle–no money–no place to go–no resources–no prospects) to figure it out & make it happen.

Sure, if we had money saved to cover: a rental deposit, first month’s rent, a lights deposit, a water deposit, then it’d be easy peasy.
        Except we don’t.
Because we’ve been living in a vicious cycle of having just enough money to continue existing, yet no where near enough to actually make life worthwhile. Or, for that matter, to save.

Add to that the fact that we have no vehicle. 8 months ago I remember feeling so so lucky to have two...two! But now we have neither. So we can’t even count on that as a temporary shelter, or to get anywhere. I hate this thought & it’s crass…but…is Housemate going to give us a ride to the homeless shelter, dump us in front, then drive merrily into the sunset?
        How could someone feasibly do that? Without feeling like a world class piece-o-shit?
I couldn’t. When we had our house, we made it well known (to my sister, to our friends, to anyone we knew & trusted) that our home was always open to them if they ever needed a place to fall, and for however long they needed it (The way Mom always was to me & would still be today…if only she were here). We don’t have that. I feel like we’re dangling our feet over the edge of a cliff. Hubs has family but I don’t even know if we could stay with them, plus it’s in a different state (which would mess up the life we’re trying to remake here). I would greatly prefer staying with family over staying in a shelter…but who’s to say they’ll even help us? Sometimes they can be great, the ideal family, standing right up shouting “yea, yea y’all can stay with me! I love family & wanna show it! Come on over”…and other times they can be the “oh, you have absolutely no where to go? Well sorry but I don’t have enough room in this big house, sounds like a real problem, good luck, hope something works out, talk to ya later”-kind of family.
        Yes, I’m dead serious.

So, the ever-present feelings of sickness, worry, depression, wistful-ness & anxiety are even stronger than before. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. My brain feels fried & yet empty from trying to figure out solutions.  I was going to post a quickie post about grilled cheese & how they make a great last-minute meal (especially when you have extra kids, like we most always usually do because we’re suckers); how I love a grilled cheese with “everything”, and how I even had the opportunity to first have one that way. But…alas…I don’t feel like it now. Now that I’ve dredged up all bad news & worries it’s kind of hard to back pedal & talk about cheese & childhood memories.

Oh, how I wish I could.
I wish like hell that was all I had to concentrate on, to worry about.
Instead I’ve got 3 little faces looking up at me, wondering what comes next.

And the only answer I have is terrifying to us all…I don’t know.

Post-Mother’s Day post.

Ahh, mother’s day.

Such a weird holiday for me. As a mom I’m the one who pays attention to dates/holidays/birthdays & remembers (or in my case doesn’t remember in time) to send cards…the one who worries about planning the meal…the one who frets about gifts (what kind, how much, for the love of God is everyone even?!). Cruelly, I lost my mom in 2009. So of course ever since then Mother’s Day lost 50% of it’s meaning…the other 50% breaks down like this:
25% is me realizing I’m a mom & I love my kids more than life, so that provides some meaning.
25% is faking like I’m so so happy that day for the kids’ benefit, which in turn makes me feel guilty toward them.

See why I’d rather just skip it? I feel bad saying that, as if I don’t love my kids enough or something. It’s a ridiculous, exhausting circle of emotions. It’s just a tainted day for me.

And then the gift thing…although this year is by far our worst financial year ever, we’ve never been rich…we’ve always been on a budget. My Husband, however, has champagne taste on a beer budget. Every year he asks what I want & I honestly tell him: “I don’t want you to spend money. Period. Seriously. I’d much, much rather have everyone get along & do little favors for me all day & maybe the dishes. I don’t want to have to worry about what we’re going to do without money.”

So of course he completely ignores me, buys a gift anyway (65% of the time he lucks out & gets something I will use or did want), and I worry like crazy about what we’ll do about this or that now that he spent “x” amount of dollars. It’s sweet & his heart is in the right place; I appreciate his determination & thoughtfulness. I just wish people would listen to me once in awhile.

Anyway, back to mother’s day. I know you’ve heard it all before but I’ll reiterate: appreciate your mom if you still have her. Recognize that her annoying habits or questions or whatever won’t always be there to annoy you and I promise you, you’ll miss them when they’re gone (just like high school!). Make time for your mom, do things to help your mom, tell her how important she is to you. Life as you know it could change in the blink of an eye; remember that next time your mom wants you to show her over the telephone how to search the web on her new smartphone.

My cards from my lil man.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s out there–old moms or  young; new mom’s or seasoned pros; birth moms or step-moms; everyday you make a difference in the life of your child/children & everyday you survive the hardest job on the planet: motherhood. So pat yourself on the back & do something you want to…you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work!

Nothing beats fancy like simple...my (chosen) M.D. dinner of chicken sandwiches, prepared by ze Husband. And they were soooo good!

And to all the mom’s in my life (even though 98% of them don’t read my blog…what is with me & percentages today?!): Happy Mother’s Day! I hope it’s wonderful –just like you!–and I love you!

My cards from my gals & hubs. Super pretty!

(Normally I would insert a photo or two of my mom here but I don’t currently have access to any…boo)

What’s in a name?

I’m such a scatter-brain. I’ve been working on a different post off & on all day (a bitch-fest, as per my usual!) but can’t seem to find my way to the end, so I thought I’d take a break, try a totally different (happier) subject, & use the 40 minutes I have before the rugrats get home.

I’ve noticed lately that A–our youngest & only boy–refers to C & I as “my Dad” or “my Mom” when talking with/to his friends. I find it bittersweet…it’s cute that he’s so ‘mature’ now that he’s the big 6 & doesn’t want to say “mommy” & “daddy” anymore……but it also makes me sad, of course. It’s the same feeling as the other firsts: first day of school, first lost tooth, etc. You automatically want the best for your kids, which in turn means you want them to grow up (not much choice anyway–haha) intelligent & beautiful & to be a good person…but sometimes those little signs of growing up can make ya a lil misty-eyed.

Granted, he still calls me “Mommy” when addressing me/another family member and it’s the same for C and “Daddy”, so I’m glad of that at least. The girls dropped the Y’s a while ago, I knew it would only be a matter of time once A went into school too. Understandable; no one wants to be the “loser” Friend who refers to their parents in a baby-ish way. They still do the Y version at home but I can tell they do it for our benefit. The other night D was telling a story & started to say “Dad” but then stretched it into “Daddy”.

So the question becomes…do you just sit back & let nature take it’s course, let them banish the Y’s for good when they decide to?
…or…
Do you put a spotlight on it by telling them it’s okay to drop the Y’s if they want (if you can bring yourself to do it!)?

I’m always fretting over things just like this & it’s partly because I have no one to turn to and ask. My mom is gone & that left a huge hole in my entire life…she was always the one I’d turn to for anything. I don’t talk with my Aunt (Mom’s sister) as much as I used to because I hate being on the phone (can’t hear, too chaotic) & she won’t email with me because she doesn’t like to type (despite the fact that she’s literally on Facebook alllllll day playing games…); anyway…I don’t want to make this post all sad & dreary, I was just clarifying part of why I’m so…indecisive? Unsure of what decision would be best? I like to see as many sides (or opinions) as possible when faced with a decision–no matter how small–because I just like to know the whole of it. You know? I believe some may call that anal….

I don’t remember any sort of conversation with either of my parents about what I called them; I’ve always used “Dad” & “Mom”, and I’m sure probably the Y versions as a baby although I don’t remember it. I also don’t remember my own transition…in ninth grade a passing fad was to call your mom “Mommy” but I didn’t participate long because it felt weird, like I was trying to be something I wasn’t. Sometimes I wish I could’ve used “Mama” off & on (that’s what she called her mom) because I think it’s cutesy & country; and I did occasionally but it never stuck, never became the name.

So…to say something or to not say something…that is the question. I want them to be comfortable, not inadvertently pushed into using a name/names they don’t feel fit anymore simply because they know we like it.

I know, I know………….I’m a basket case. 😉

Gawker: A Letter From Ray Jasper, Who Is About to Be Executed

Wow. Shuffle off to a quiet corner & take the time to read this. This man is (surprisingly) well spoken & knowledgeable & has a lot of good points.

Gawker: A Letter From Ray Jasper, Who Is About to Be Executed. http://google.com/newsstand/s/CBIwneLzuhk

Shared from WordPress: Putting down your phone equals fresh water!!

http://newsfeed.time.com/2014/02/27/if-you-put-down-your-smartphones-for-10-minutes-a-child-will-get-a-days-worth-of-clean-drinking-water/

What a great idea! I’m going to try it; will you?? Spread the word!

Marilyn Monroe: seldom seen photos!

I feel like doing a quick post on Ms. Monroe: #1 because I’ve been meaning to for some time now, and #2 I need to free up some space. I had notes with the details of this session, ie: where it occurred, the photographer, etc but I’ve misplaced them at the moment. When I find them I will update; until then hopefully a superfan with better memory & organizational skills will happen upon this lil’ blog & share their knowledge. I do remember that these photos were taken mere months before her untimely death. Looking at them & knowing what we know, it is so hard to fathom something so beautiful & unique suddenly being snuffed out. Terribly sad.

Without further ado, Ms. Marilyn Monroe……..

The wall behind her is exactly like a wall that used to be at my grandmother's house.

This is one of my faves. I don't know why, maybe the natural-ness of it?

Must've been cold!!

Obviously these are stolen borrowed from a book I read. Hopefully the author/whoever owns the photos won’t try to take me to court for using them without permission; I just want to share Marilyn with other fans.

50 Answers.

I haven’t done one of these since high school, but they used to be fun. I figured I’d give it a go since I don’t have much else to do today. Besides, don’t we all think (hope) other people want to know more about us? Yes, yes we do.

I got the idea from Megan, so thanks lady!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not that I’m aware of although my Dad did want to name me Jessica. I am not a Jessica.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
This morning…I had a brief meltdown. Hey, life can be overwhelming.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sometimes-if I have the right pen.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Turkey, roast beef, ham…I’m not picky.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes, 3.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably half the time…the other half we’d be in fights as a result from our automatic over-defensiveness & “so & so is mad at me” paranoia.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Me? Never.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes. They’ve never cause me any issues & I don’t understand the huge movement to have them removed…what is the deal?!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No; I’m too anxious to even considered enjoying something like that.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I have many but if I had to pick one for the rest of my life I’d pick Rice Krispies Treats.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope. I’m lazy.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Not particularly, in any sense of the word.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Butter pecan is always tasty. And Moose Tracks…you forget how good it is!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Hhmm…I’m not sure to be honest. I guess how tall they are (or aren’t) & whether they’re male or female.

15. RED OR PINK?
Pink. I can’t stand red, really.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My overabundance of irritation & lack of patience. You’d think with 3 kids I’d be different but…no.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My mom.

18. ANY TATTOOS?
Yes, one & I’d like to get one more, something to do with my kids.

19. DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES?
Yes, the typical reading, movies; I get the urge to garden a little; I love cooking & tend to think of myself as an undiscovered brilliant chef (hahaha); photography.

20. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Multi-colored cheetah print socks actually.

21. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Hhmm that was about 4 days ago so I don’t quite remember…fried chickpeas & black olives I believe.

22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Some random cartoon.

23. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Pink or purple. Or cerulean.

24. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Paint…gasoline…fried onions & peppers…fresh cookies/cakes…Gain detergent…spring air.

25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My husband; I rarely talk on the phone to anyone but him.

26. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach house; I wouldn’t want to worry about getting to the store in snow from a mountain hideaway.

27. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Pretty much none. I can tolerate some football.

28. HAIR COLOR?
Blonde? My husband insists it’s brown now in my old age but I’m clinging to blonde.

29. EYE COLOR?
Green. Or, to make myself feel special, hazel.

30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes if I have any to wear. I desperately miss them!

31. FAVORITE FOOD?
I could never pick just one, I’m a foodie. I like gravies, fries things, sweet things, Chinese…I’m not a picky eater.

32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I like both even though most scary movies these days are more jenkie than scary.

33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Red 2 (fell asleep before it ended too!)

34. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Red. Ugh. But only because I’m freezing & it’s a thermal.

35. SUMMER OR WINTER?
If those are my choices, summer. I prefer spring and fall.

36. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs & kisses!

37. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Come on now, please revert to #31.

38. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Ugh…what now? 😉

39. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Either! I love my shows (even though I can’t watch half of them anymore) & I can waste tons of time Googling stuff.

40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
The Post-Birthday World by Lionel Shriver

41. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don’t have one.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
My kids having a good time, my cat purring, my husband saying “here” & handing me money.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
It’s a tie…I like about the same amount of songs by each.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I don’t know, I’m dumb in distances. I’ve been to Indiana, Ohio & Florida. Which is furthest from Tennessee?

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? No unless you count being right 99.9% of the time. I sure as hell do!

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Bristol, Tennessee

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Kingsport, Tennessee. About 20 minutes from Bristol. 30 years later. Funny how life works out.

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Gray blue with black shutters.

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
One waa black, one was dark red. Now we don’t have one. Hip hip hooray.

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?
Yeah, it was kind of fun.

Reblog & answer them yourself! Makes you feel like a kid again. 😉

Poor Philip.

I was super sad to learn of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s passing yesterday. I was taken by surprise that it was due to an apparent heroin overdose, as he was found in the bathroom with a needle still in his arm. He was a great actor & it is disheartening to think about the fact that he’s now gone forever. It brings to mind the likes of Paul Walker, Heath Ledger, James Gandolfini…the list goes on and on. It always bothers me, these sudden and unexpected deaths. It’s like there is a hole waiting to be filled but never will be.

My favorite Hoffman films are ‘Twister’, ‘Boogie Nights’ and ‘Capote’. I also enjoy the majority of his appearances in anything, actually. He was one of a kind & really owned whatever role he picked up. He brought something unique to his roles and the movies he appeared in wouldn’t be the same without him…he definitely made an awesome impact on Hollywood. I will miss seeing his wonderful work & I hope he is at peace from whatever demons drove those needles into his arms.

RIP Philip.

****As time marches on the public is learning more & more about Philip S. Hoffman’s last days & more detailed information about his sudden demise. When we learn new information sometimes we have to mold, elaborate or change our opinions entirely. I was not aware that Philip had struggled with addiction before, around the age of 22. He managed to overcome it for the past 23 years, which is quite a feat. It seems to me that something pretty huge must’ve occurred in his life that triggered a relapse in December 2013. Considering his baby mama & long-time girlfriend Mimi O’Donnell recently “asked him to move out”, I’d be willing to bet he relapsed due to extended, deep, personal issues with her. Not at all implying that it’s her fault or she’s to blame in any way…but…left to his own devices…possibly (probably) upset & unhappy about things going on in his life…it’s no wonder to me that he relapsed. Or, if he’d already relapsed some time ago but started hitting it harder to counteract depression/negative emotions. I completely understand her not wanting their children exposed to anything drug related; paraphernalia, his behavior while high/jonesing to be high, drug dealers coming & going, yadda yadda. And I don’t know the private details of their interactions (for instance if she tried to help him with love, talking, support, etc). It just seems kind of cold to me that after 23 hard won years of beating a nagging addiction, when he falls off the wagon he’s kicked to the curb. Of course she couldn’t of known the outcome but surely–if she held any concern for him at all–the possibility of what did happen had to of crossed her mind at some point. If it were me I know I’d be carrying a lot of guilt & regret, which may or may not be right…but I would. To see the last photos taken of Mr. Hoffman, go here. Nothing offensive of course (like his deceased body or some such nonsense), just the last photos taken of a man who needed help…they are sad indeed.