Monthly Archives: June 2014

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

I’ve rejoined the wubbulous world of Facebook.

Over 2 years ago I decided one day that I was sick & tired of people always complaining about the same things, the ridiculous abused children/animals posts, the in-your-face religious memes…just all of it. So I quit. Cold turkey. Which is surprising for me because I have an “addictive” personality & can’t even quit cigarettes cold turkey.

I guess I was just bored & looking for something to do. Usually I’ll play Pet Rescue but when you’re stuck on a level & already in a worried/depressed mood, it isn’t very helpful to take your mind off of things…it’s downright aggravating. It took me a few lots of tries to remember my password but eventually I did. I have to admit, I did miss it somewhat…being connected in some way with people I know & the world in general; I missed seeing the cute/awesome/so true memes; I missed seeing people’s pictures. And I’m already instantaneously re-addicted. It is such a time passer! I feel a little like an idiot liking & commenting on posts & pictures that people probably haven’t thought about it months, but I’m playing catch-up so I guess it’s alright.

Reconnecting with people & extended family has been nice, though. It has made me feel a little less lost, a little less alone (and by alone I mean the 5 of us as a family kind of being on our own, feeling disconnected from family). Of course it sucks when I finally pull myself away & my reality comes back smacking me in the face. And it sucks to see other people’s lives so successful, complete, happy…normal. Not that I begrudge them that, no no no; it just hammers home how upside down my life is right now, which really gets to me if I let it.

I’d like to link my blog to my profile, but lately all I can seem to write about are my troubles (because they’re the main focus right now) & I don’t particularly want all of Facebook knowing all of this. I’m not one of those fakey-fakers who is all “Oh my life is so perfect, I’m so wonderful, ain’t everything great!”; I think there is a difference between purposely portraying something (like an ideal version of your life) & choosing not to actively disclose details. Of the people who have asked “How are you?” I’ve answered them honestly with “Okay” (because technically I am okay…we’re all alive & healthy) & haven’t elaborated with lies or the truth. So, until things work out, I don’t feel comfy linking the two. It’s embarrassing, depressing, unnecessary.

Aside from that, we’re in limbo. Well I don’t guess it’s “we’re” since the kids are unaware of “the housing situation” but all the same…it’s very awkward having an elephant in the room. Despite the fact that all 3 of us are adults & hubs & I are perfectly okay with “adult talks”, it’s hard to know what the right thing to do is…if we should approach him or wait until he approaches us. We have some progress & possible developments in the wings however they require a little time before (hopefully–fingers crossed!) coming full circle. If he’d be willing to work with us & allow us a little more time, I truly feel–with valid reasons–like we’re on the brink of being able to start repairing this mess. Really.

All we need is just a little time.

Meanwhile, take a minute & be grateful for what you do have. If it’s a secure place to lay your head at night…if it’s a best friend to help absorb your troubles…if it’s a fresh taco & glass of homemade lemonade on a hot day…if it’s the ability to go watch fireworks on the 4th…whatever it is, recognize it & be grateful for it.

All of it.

Woes are me.

What a rollercoaster of a week thus far. I feel like I say that in every post but this week it’s truly true. There is so much I don’t know where to begin, what to disclose, how to organize it to be coherent…I just feel the need to write. I want to pour my heart out, but can’t without revealing every..single..last..detail that I don’t particularly want all of creation to know. I also want to just spit out a simple feel-good post, partly because I never do anymore…a majority of my posts are depressing, depressed, whiny, bitchy, negative, etc cetera.

Now that I’ve brought it up I may as well tell you that we’re on the brink of pure homelessness, which is completely terrifying. I’m pretty sure the past year (and moving forward yet) has been the most horrible year we’ve had; well, neck in neck with the year Mom passed. Without rehashing all of the previously disclosed details (haha, gives you a reason to go back & read more of my posts!), our Housemate is anxious to put his house on the market; that means we need to skidaddle & he seems to think that a week’s length is adequate time for a family of 5 (with, ahem, no vehicle–no money–no place to go–no resources–no prospects) to figure it out & make it happen.

Sure, if we had money saved to cover: a rental deposit, first month’s rent, a lights deposit, a water deposit, then it’d be easy peasy.
        Except we don’t.
Because we’ve been living in a vicious cycle of having just enough money to continue existing, yet no where near enough to actually make life worthwhile. Or, for that matter, to save.

Add to that the fact that we have no vehicle. 8 months ago I remember feeling so so lucky to have two...two! But now we have neither. So we can’t even count on that as a temporary shelter, or to get anywhere. I hate this thought & it’s crass…but…is Housemate going to give us a ride to the homeless shelter, dump us in front, then drive merrily into the sunset?
        How could someone feasibly do that? Without feeling like a world class piece-o-shit?
I couldn’t. When we had our house, we made it well known (to my sister, to our friends, to anyone we knew & trusted) that our home was always open to them if they ever needed a place to fall, and for however long they needed it (The way Mom always was to me & would still be today…if only she were here). We don’t have that. I feel like we’re dangling our feet over the edge of a cliff. Hubs has family but I don’t even know if we could stay with them, plus it’s in a different state (which would mess up the life we’re trying to remake here). I would greatly prefer staying with family over staying in a shelter…but who’s to say they’ll even help us? Sometimes they can be great, the ideal family, standing right up shouting “yea, yea y’all can stay with me! I love family & wanna show it! Come on over”…and other times they can be the “oh, you have absolutely no where to go? Well sorry but I don’t have enough room in this big house, sounds like a real problem, good luck, hope something works out, talk to ya later”-kind of family.
        Yes, I’m dead serious.

So, the ever-present feelings of sickness, worry, depression, wistful-ness & anxiety are even stronger than before. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. My brain feels fried & yet empty from trying to figure out solutions.  I was going to post a quickie post about grilled cheese & how they make a great last-minute meal (especially when you have extra kids, like we most always usually do because we’re suckers); how I love a grilled cheese with “everything”, and how I even had the opportunity to first have one that way. But…alas…I don’t feel like it now. Now that I’ve dredged up all bad news & worries it’s kind of hard to back pedal & talk about cheese & childhood memories.

Oh, how I wish I could.
I wish like hell that was all I had to concentrate on, to worry about.
Instead I’ve got 3 little faces looking up at me, wondering what comes next.

And the only answer I have is terrifying to us all…I don’t know.

Stephen King + beans & franks.

Lately I’ve been on a Stephen King mini-obsession & devouring one book after another. I have read his novels in the past & used to own a ton of hardcovers; my introduction to King began with a tattered copy of Pet Semetary that I was lucky enough to find at a flea market when I was about 13 years old…it literally terrified the crap out of me & still sends shivers up my spine to this day. It is one of my favorite books of all time. King is typically classified as a horror genre author, and yes, most of the novels I’ve read do have that scary/horror/creepy element to them, however they are well-rounded stories & not just horror. I think there is probably a big slice of readers out there who are missing out on an excellent author simply because he is classified as “horror” & those people don’t like scary stories/don’t want to be scared. That’s how I am…I don’t particularly care for out-and-out horror or sci-fi books usually but I discovered that King is so much more when I just gave some of his other novels a chance after Pet Semetary. In other words, more people should try them…they’d probably end up liking them. I personally really enjoy his writing style, language, character creations, plots, etc.

image
This is exactly what my much loved, tattered copy looks like, minus the creases & blemishes. This book will send shivers up your spine!

One of the things I like about his writing is how he includes minute, everyday details, such as what a character had for dinner. It makes the story more realistic & also gives me inspiration for the kitchen! I’m currently reading Salem’s Lot, one of his classics. In the chapter I was just in, he tells you that the characters are having traditional “beans and franks” for dinner, and gives you clues about the ingredients and the process (and I quote: “It was Thursday night, and the meal was traditional–beans and franks. Bill Norton grilled the franks on the outdoor grill, and Ann had had her kidney beans simmering in molasses since nine that morning.”, chapter 5), which is uber-helpful when you’re like me & go scouring the internet for some old-timey similar sounding recipe. Many of the recipes I found said to use navy beans but I wanted to do it Stephen King’s way. I also have a great interest in trying “classic” recipes from other areas, and from the way it sounds, this is a traditional New England-area dinner/meal; and King should know since that’s his home territory & also the place setting for a majority of his books.

image
This is the version I'm reading via ebook, one of my most favorite inventions ever.

So, after searching and searching I finally found a recipe that I’m going to try. It’s the one I felt was closest to how King described it & the website claims it’s old. I haven’t made it yet so I can’t reveal any results or opinions on the recipe process or outcome, but I figured one more blog/link to this traditional dish couldn’t hurt & possibly would make it easier for others to find…others like myself, who enjoy going off on food whims suggested by horror novels (despite my speech earlier about King being much more than a horror-genre author, Salem’s Lot is a “scary story”). I’m not sure what sides to have with this–and Mr. King provided no suggestions!–but some sort of toast and/or rolls sounds good…that way you can sop up any juices. Of course veggies are always good, or fruit, or even salad.

I found the recipe on the Pioneer Woman’s site…I enjoy her recipes, have made a few before, and I also really like how she explains everything in detail accompanied with photos. The only thing I’d tweak is the fact that she uses navy beans; I’m planning on using kidney beans, simply because that’s what King described & I’m trying to maintain “authenticity”. Personally, I think either bean would be okay & it comes down to your preference as well as what you have on hand (again, for me, kidney beans win because I’ve already got them)…either or. I would retype the recipe & make my blog look all efficient and thorough and nice…but alas, I’m lazy & let’s face it: her blog looks 20x better than mine ever could, so I’ll just link it. You can find a (undoubtedly good) recipe for Traditional New England Beans & Franks here. If you make ’em, stop back but here & lemme know how they turned out & what you thought! Like all bloggers–well-known or unknown–I love feedback and comments.

image
Note: this photo is *not* from the Pioneer Woman's site, I just liked it & decided to use it.

And after you try the recipe, try some Stephen King too…I highly recommend any of these:

*Pet Semetary (!!!)
*The Shining (!!!)
*Carrie
*Misery
*Dolores Claiborne
*Cujo (!!)
*Green Mile series
*IT (!!)
*Needful Things
*Rose Madder

The (!!!) indicate my favorite-favorites; also, many of these have been made into movies or mini-series so if you’re not a big reader there is always that option, just remember that most movies don’t include every last detail from the book & may not be quite as good. Just saying. I can, however, guarantee that The Shining and Pet Semetary are excellent books AND movies. And of course the list of his works is about triple the size of my list above, so you’re bound to find something you like. Just try it.

image
The great Stephen King...I've always thought he looks like my Dad, haha...and he does.