Future thinking.

Thinking for the future. Something I’m doing nearly constantly, like a well-oiled machine. I even wake up multiple times a night (every night) with my “future thinking” running on auto-pilot. The hell?!

But, when you think about it–pun intended –future thinking is somewhat useless; at least to the degree that my brain is doing it. Yes, it’s good to have a plan…some idea of where you want to be 2, 5, 20 years from now…what you want to be doing. It’s always a good thing to have goals & direction & determination. I just mean that I think my brain expends way too much energy on the future; a little bit would be good, but in my particular situation it’s counter-productive because I need to figure out what we’re supposed to be doing now. Maybe it’s because my brain is scared that in the future I’ll be in this same situation again, so it’s frantically trying to find the switch that changes the tracks of this destructive train.

I’ve never been so lost…wait, that’s a lie. Two other times in my life I’ve suffered this deep despair.
1) Trying to choose what to go to college for. I didn’t want to be any particular thing (ie: lawyer, nurse, President) so I became scared that I’d end up not having a job, being broke all the time, and my prime college years (as well as funding) would be wasted*. I eventually settled on being a preschool teacher (I know, I need my ass kicked) & went off and on for, oh, about 2 years total; then I dropped out because the child care center I worked for made me a teacher so I figured to hell with school! Ahh…what a non-planning dumbass I was. All of the uncertainty threw me for a loop, all the “Is this the right decision?”‘s bowled me over. I read once that Libra’s are full of indecision & I believe it to be true; I don’t like being told specifically what to do however loose guidelines on the correct thing to do is appreciated.

2) When my Mom was snatched away from me one bright, sunny & snowy morning…when all should’ve been well…and happy…and normal. If I allow those mental gates to open it all comes rushing back & I get caught in the undertow. I’m pretty certain I literally lost a piece of my mental capacity that day. To this day living without her fills me with despair (among other emotions); I was so lost, shocked numb…didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to function. I was just a total blank blackboard. As time passed things began naturally working towards resolutions, whatever the situation called for…you know: the funeral process, her belongings (another rough spot for me), her “affairs” as they say, etc. Everything seemed to have a natural course to follow.

*Ironically (or maybe not) that’s exactly what happened anyway but I guess the upside is that I saved my Dad some tuition money.

I am lacking in many areas, some my own doing, some not. Lacking in guidance. Comfort. Choices. Understanding. Mobility. Financially. Intelligence. Security. Happiness. Emotional support. Options. Friendship. Smiling. Shopping. Fun. How do I rectify these things? How do I reverse the negative & increase the positive?? Without trying to get into a whole other -not written yet- post, I feel like I’m doing the best I can with what I have to work with right now. For example, I check the online job site daily, along with Craigslist & “cold” applications (when you pick a place & just apply); I apply for any & every job that I meet the qualifications for (which is not many because I don’t have a degree in anything so STAY IN SCHOOL!); I wait; I receive a decline email…if I receive anything. So I’m left asking myself…what else could I do? What am I doing wrong? What else can I do? Hell, I’ve even walked to some places specifically to apply.

And it’s that same set of questions that plagues me about everything these days. Income is the key to everything, but until it unlocks the door, all these problems keep piling up & are putting so much pressure on the door (aka my brain) that it’s about to splinter apart. And time! Time is running out and then…well, those will be dark times indeed, my friends. Too many eggs in this basket.

Ever have a shit storm hit yourlife? If so, how’d you muddle through it? I need all the advice I can get. Apologies if this post didn’t make much sense…I endured multiple interruptions & my brain is functioning in a lower gear tonight. Plus, almost none of my posts do make sense, so there’s that too.

Post-Mother’s Day post.

Ahh, mother’s day.

Such a weird holiday for me. As a mom I’m the one who pays attention to dates/holidays/birthdays & remembers (or in my case doesn’t remember in time) to send cards…the one who worries about planning the meal…the one who frets about gifts (what kind, how much, for the love of God is everyone even?!). Cruelly, I lost my mom in 2009. So of course ever since then Mother’s Day lost 50% of it’s meaning…the other 50% breaks down like this:
25% is me realizing I’m a mom & I love my kids more than life, so that provides some meaning.
25% is faking like I’m so so happy that day for the kids’ benefit, which in turn makes me feel guilty toward them.

See why I’d rather just skip it? I feel bad saying that, as if I don’t love my kids enough or something. It’s a ridiculous, exhausting circle of emotions. It’s just a tainted day for me.

And then the gift thing…although this year is by far our worst financial year ever, we’ve never been rich…we’ve always been on a budget. My Husband, however, has champagne taste on a beer budget. Every year he asks what I want & I honestly tell him: “I don’t want you to spend money. Period. Seriously. I’d much, much rather have everyone get along & do little favors for me all day & maybe the dishes. I don’t want to have to worry about what we’re going to do without money.”

So of course he completely ignores me, buys a gift anyway (65% of the time he lucks out & gets something I will use or did want), and I worry like crazy about what we’ll do about this or that now that he spent “x” amount of dollars. It’s sweet & his heart is in the right place; I appreciate his determination & thoughtfulness. I just wish people would listen to me once in awhile.

Anyway, back to mother’s day. I know you’ve heard it all before but I’ll reiterate: appreciate your mom if you still have her. Recognize that her annoying habits or questions or whatever won’t always be there to annoy you and I promise you, you’ll miss them when they’re gone (just like high school!). Make time for your mom, do things to help your mom, tell her how important she is to you. Life as you know it could change in the blink of an eye; remember that next time your mom wants you to show her over the telephone how to search the web on her new smartphone.

My cards from my lil man.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s out there–old moms or  young; new mom’s or seasoned pros; birth moms or step-moms; everyday you make a difference in the life of your child/children & everyday you survive the hardest job on the planet: motherhood. So pat yourself on the back & do something you want to…you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work!

Nothing beats fancy like simple...my (chosen) M.D. dinner of chicken sandwiches, prepared by ze Husband. And they were soooo good!

And to all the mom’s in my life (even though 98% of them don’t read my blog…what is with me & percentages today?!): Happy Mother’s Day! I hope it’s wonderful –just like you!–and I love you!

My cards from my gals & hubs. Super pretty!

(Normally I would insert a photo or two of my mom here but I don’t currently have access to any…boo)

Message in a bottle…

Ahoy!

I’ve been lost but I’ve (momentarily) found my way back…to WordPress anyway.

It’s terribly hard to pay your phone bill when you have no steady income, so I haven’t had the internet access people usually take for granted. On top of that, the internet/Wi-Fi at the house has been acting wonky…if the desktop had internet then the router wouldn’t & vice versa. I was finally able to straighten that out, so it all works together now, but the signal the router gets has been in & out for some reason the past few days.

You can’t win for losing, eh? More like ‘I’.

Hopefully everyone out there is doing well & enjoying nice weather. As for me, my life is still a jumbled, aggravating, lonely, heavy mess. I’ll spare you the details; at least in this post.

My clinical depression has come back swiftly & more intensely than before, when I was first diagnosed as a teen. The only thing(s) that saves me is my kids and I truly mean that. Dark thoughts are no laughing matter and the more you have the easier it seems to pull them off. I’m sure some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. I guess in one respect it’s a hidden blessing that I am broke right now, otherwise I’d have plenty of money to transform thoughts into actions.

Maybe I’m weird or selfish but it makes me so sad–to the point of tearing up–to think of not seeing my babies grow up, to not be there with them. So they really do save me; they’re handy for cheering me up daily & they’re also good at being annoying sometimes to help take my mind off of things (haha).

I feel bad about returning with such a depressing & dreary post but I had to clear my head a little….so, I’ll return you to your regularly scheduled programming after leaving you with a picture of this….

This always brings a smile.

You’re welcome. 😉

PS: don’t you just love the Ticket Oak & the retarded faces it makes?!

PPS: yes, I still use the word retarded to describe ridiculous, silly, funny stuff. So don’t judge me. It’s stupid for some people to make such a big deal out of some words.