Tag Archives: choices

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

I’ve rejoined the wubbulous world of Facebook.

Over 2 years ago I decided one day that I was sick & tired of people always complaining about the same things, the ridiculous abused children/animals posts, the in-your-face religious memes…just all of it. So I quit. Cold turkey. Which is surprising for me because I have an “addictive” personality & can’t even quit cigarettes cold turkey.

I guess I was just bored & looking for something to do. Usually I’ll play Pet Rescue but when you’re stuck on a level & already in a worried/depressed mood, it isn’t very helpful to take your mind off of things…it’s downright aggravating. It took me a few lots of tries to remember my password but eventually I did. I have to admit, I did miss it somewhat…being connected in some way with people I know & the world in general; I missed seeing the cute/awesome/so true memes; I missed seeing people’s pictures. And I’m already instantaneously re-addicted. It is such a time passer! I feel a little like an idiot liking & commenting on posts & pictures that people probably haven’t thought about it months, but I’m playing catch-up so I guess it’s alright.

Reconnecting with people & extended family has been nice, though. It has made me feel a little less lost, a little less alone (and by alone I mean the 5 of us as a family kind of being on our own, feeling disconnected from family). Of course it sucks when I finally pull myself away & my reality comes back smacking me in the face. And it sucks to see other people’s lives so successful, complete, happy…normal. Not that I begrudge them that, no no no; it just hammers home how upside down my life is right now, which really gets to me if I let it.

I’d like to link my blog to my profile, but lately all I can seem to write about are my troubles (because they’re the main focus right now) & I don’t particularly want all of Facebook knowing all of this. I’m not one of those fakey-fakers who is all “Oh my life is so perfect, I’m so wonderful, ain’t everything great!”; I think there is a difference between purposely portraying something (like an ideal version of your life) & choosing not to actively disclose details. Of the people who have asked “How are you?” I’ve answered them honestly with “Okay” (because technically I am okay…we’re all alive & healthy) & haven’t elaborated with lies or the truth. So, until things work out, I don’t feel comfy linking the two. It’s embarrassing, depressing, unnecessary.

Aside from that, we’re in limbo. Well I don’t guess it’s “we’re” since the kids are unaware of “the housing situation” but all the same…it’s very awkward having an elephant in the room. Despite the fact that all 3 of us are adults & hubs & I are perfectly okay with “adult talks”, it’s hard to know what the right thing to do is…if we should approach him or wait until he approaches us. We have some progress & possible developments in the wings however they require a little time before (hopefully–fingers crossed!) coming full circle. If he’d be willing to work with us & allow us a little more time, I truly feel–with valid reasons–like we’re on the brink of being able to start repairing this mess. Really.

All we need is just a little time.

Meanwhile, take a minute & be grateful for what you do have. If it’s a secure place to lay your head at night…if it’s a best friend to help absorb your troubles…if it’s a fresh taco & glass of homemade lemonade on a hot day…if it’s the ability to go watch fireworks on the 4th…whatever it is, recognize it & be grateful for it.

All of it.

Future thinking.

Thinking for the future. Something I’m doing nearly constantly, like a well-oiled machine. I even wake up multiple times a night (every night) with my “future thinking” running on auto-pilot. The hell?!

But, when you think about it–pun intended –future thinking is somewhat useless; at least to the degree that my brain is doing it. Yes, it’s good to have a plan…some idea of where you want to be 2, 5, 20 years from now…what you want to be doing. It’s always a good thing to have goals & direction & determination. I just mean that I think my brain expends way too much energy on the future; a little bit would be good, but in my particular situation it’s counter-productive because I need to figure out what we’re supposed to be doing now. Maybe it’s because my brain is scared that in the future I’ll be in this same situation again, so it’s frantically trying to find the switch that changes the tracks of this destructive train.

I’ve never been so lost…wait, that’s a lie. Two other times in my life I’ve suffered this deep despair.
1) Trying to choose what to go to college for. I didn’t want to be any particular thing (ie: lawyer, nurse, President) so I became scared that I’d end up not having a job, being broke all the time, and my prime college years (as well as funding) would be wasted*. I eventually settled on being a preschool teacher (I know, I need my ass kicked) & went off and on for, oh, about 2 years total; then I dropped out because the child care center I worked for made me a teacher so I figured to hell with school! Ahh…what a non-planning dumbass I was. All of the uncertainty threw me for a loop, all the “Is this the right decision?”‘s bowled me over. I read once that Libra’s are full of indecision & I believe it to be true; I don’t like being told specifically what to do however loose guidelines on the correct thing to do is appreciated.

2) When my Mom was snatched away from me one bright, sunny & snowy morning…when all should’ve been well…and happy…and normal. If I allow those mental gates to open it all comes rushing back & I get caught in the undertow. I’m pretty certain I literally lost a piece of my mental capacity that day. To this day living without her fills me with despair (among other emotions); I was so lost, shocked numb…didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to function. I was just a total blank blackboard. As time passed things began naturally working towards resolutions, whatever the situation called for…you know: the funeral process, her belongings (another rough spot for me), her “affairs” as they say, etc. Everything seemed to have a natural course to follow.

*Ironically (or maybe not) that’s exactly what happened anyway but I guess the upside is that I saved my Dad some tuition money.

I am lacking in many areas, some my own doing, some not. Lacking in guidance. Comfort. Choices. Understanding. Mobility. Financially. Intelligence. Security. Happiness. Emotional support. Options. Friendship. Smiling. Shopping. Fun. How do I rectify these things? How do I reverse the negative & increase the positive?? Without trying to get into a whole other -not written yet- post, I feel like I’m doing the best I can with what I have to work with right now. For example, I check the online job site daily, along with Craigslist & “cold” applications (when you pick a place & just apply); I apply for any & every job that I meet the qualifications for (which is not many because I don’t have a degree in anything so STAY IN SCHOOL!); I wait; I receive a decline email…if I receive anything. So I’m left asking myself…what else could I do? What am I doing wrong? What else can I do? Hell, I’ve even walked to some places specifically to apply.

And it’s that same set of questions that plagues me about everything these days. Income is the key to everything, but until it unlocks the door, all these problems keep piling up & are putting so much pressure on the door (aka my brain) that it’s about to splinter apart. And time! Time is running out and then…well, those will be dark times indeed, my friends. Too many eggs in this basket.

Ever have a shit storm hit yourlife? If so, how’d you muddle through it? I need all the advice I can get. Apologies if this post didn’t make much sense…I endured multiple interruptions & my brain is functioning in a lower gear tonight. Plus, almost none of my posts do make sense, so there’s that too.