What a rollercoaster of a week thus far. I feel like I say that in every post but this week it’s truly true. There is so much I don’t know where to begin, what to disclose, how to organize it to be coherent…I just feel the need to write. I want to pour my heart out, but can’t without revealing every..single..last..detail that I don’t particularly want all of creation to know. I also want to just spit out a simple feel-good post, partly because I never do anymore…a majority of my posts are depressing, depressed, whiny, bitchy, negative, etc cetera.
Now that I’ve brought it up I may as well tell you that we’re on the brink of pure homelessness, which is completely terrifying. I’m pretty sure the past year (and moving forward yet) has been the most horrible year we’ve had; well, neck in neck with the year Mom passed. Without rehashing all of the previously disclosed details (haha, gives you a reason to go back & read more of my posts!), our Housemate is anxious to put his house on the market; that means we need to skidaddle & he seems to think that a week’s length is adequate time for a family of 5 (with, ahem, no vehicle–no money–no place to go–no resources–no prospects) to figure it out & make it happen.
Sure, if we had money saved to cover: a rental deposit, first month’s rent, a lights deposit, a water deposit, then it’d be easy peasy.
Except we don’t.
Because we’ve been living in a vicious cycle of having just enough money to continue existing, yet no where near enough to actually make life worthwhile. Or, for that matter, to save.
Add to that the fact that we have no vehicle. 8 months ago I remember feeling so so lucky to have two...two! But now we have neither. So we can’t even count on that as a temporary shelter, or to get anywhere. I hate this thought & it’s crass…but…is Housemate going to give us a ride to the homeless shelter, dump us in front, then drive merrily into the sunset?
How could someone feasibly do that? Without feeling like a world class piece-o-shit?
I couldn’t. When we had our house, we made it well known (to my sister, to our friends, to anyone we knew & trusted) that our home was always open to them if they ever needed a place to fall, and for however long they needed it (The way Mom always was to me & would still be today…if only she were here). We don’t have that. I feel like we’re dangling our feet over the edge of a cliff. Hubs has family but I don’t even know if we could stay with them, plus it’s in a different state (which would mess up the life we’re trying to remake here). I would greatly prefer staying with family over staying in a shelter…but who’s to say they’ll even help us? Sometimes they can be great, the ideal family, standing right up shouting “yea, yea y’all can stay with me! I love family & wanna show it! Come on over”…and other times they can be the “oh, you have absolutely no where to go? Well sorry but I don’t have enough room in this big house, sounds like a real problem, good luck, hope something works out, talk to ya later”-kind of family.
Yes, I’m dead serious.
So, the ever-present feelings of sickness, worry, depression, wistful-ness & anxiety are even stronger than before. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. My brain feels fried & yet empty from trying to figure out solutions. I was going to post a quickie post about grilled cheese & how they make a great last-minute meal (especially when you have extra kids, like we most always usually do because we’re suckers); how I love a grilled cheese with “everything”, and how I even had the opportunity to first have one that way. But…alas…I don’t feel like it now. Now that I’ve dredged up all bad news & worries it’s kind of hard to back pedal & talk about cheese & childhood memories.
Oh, how I wish I could.
I wish like hell that was all I had to concentrate on, to worry about.
Instead I’ve got 3 little faces looking up at me, wondering what comes next.
And the only answer I have is terrifying to us all…I don’t know.