Tag Archives: depression

Woes are me.

What a rollercoaster of a week thus far. I feel like I say that in every post but this week it’s truly true. There is so much I don’t know where to begin, what to disclose, how to organize it to be coherent…I just feel the need to write. I want to pour my heart out, but can’t without revealing every..single..last..detail that I don’t particularly want all of creation to know. I also want to just spit out a simple feel-good post, partly because I never do anymore…a majority of my posts are depressing, depressed, whiny, bitchy, negative, etc cetera.

Now that I’ve brought it up I may as well tell you that we’re on the brink of pure homelessness, which is completely terrifying. I’m pretty sure the past year (and moving forward yet) has been the most horrible year we’ve had; well, neck in neck with the year Mom passed. Without rehashing all of the previously disclosed details (haha, gives you a reason to go back & read more of my posts!), our Housemate is anxious to put his house on the market; that means we need to skidaddle & he seems to think that a week’s length is adequate time for a family of 5 (with, ahem, no vehicle–no money–no place to go–no resources–no prospects) to figure it out & make it happen.

Sure, if we had money saved to cover: a rental deposit, first month’s rent, a lights deposit, a water deposit, then it’d be easy peasy.
        Except we don’t.
Because we’ve been living in a vicious cycle of having just enough money to continue existing, yet no where near enough to actually make life worthwhile. Or, for that matter, to save.

Add to that the fact that we have no vehicle. 8 months ago I remember feeling so so lucky to have two...two! But now we have neither. So we can’t even count on that as a temporary shelter, or to get anywhere. I hate this thought & it’s crass…but…is Housemate going to give us a ride to the homeless shelter, dump us in front, then drive merrily into the sunset?
        How could someone feasibly do that? Without feeling like a world class piece-o-shit?
I couldn’t. When we had our house, we made it well known (to my sister, to our friends, to anyone we knew & trusted) that our home was always open to them if they ever needed a place to fall, and for however long they needed it (The way Mom always was to me & would still be today…if only she were here). We don’t have that. I feel like we’re dangling our feet over the edge of a cliff. Hubs has family but I don’t even know if we could stay with them, plus it’s in a different state (which would mess up the life we’re trying to remake here). I would greatly prefer staying with family over staying in a shelter…but who’s to say they’ll even help us? Sometimes they can be great, the ideal family, standing right up shouting “yea, yea y’all can stay with me! I love family & wanna show it! Come on over”…and other times they can be the “oh, you have absolutely no where to go? Well sorry but I don’t have enough room in this big house, sounds like a real problem, good luck, hope something works out, talk to ya later”-kind of family.
        Yes, I’m dead serious.

So, the ever-present feelings of sickness, worry, depression, wistful-ness & anxiety are even stronger than before. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. My brain feels fried & yet empty from trying to figure out solutions.  I was going to post a quickie post about grilled cheese & how they make a great last-minute meal (especially when you have extra kids, like we most always usually do because we’re suckers); how I love a grilled cheese with “everything”, and how I even had the opportunity to first have one that way. But…alas…I don’t feel like it now. Now that I’ve dredged up all bad news & worries it’s kind of hard to back pedal & talk about cheese & childhood memories.

Oh, how I wish I could.
I wish like hell that was all I had to concentrate on, to worry about.
Instead I’ve got 3 little faces looking up at me, wondering what comes next.

And the only answer I have is terrifying to us all…I don’t know.

Future thinking.

Thinking for the future. Something I’m doing nearly constantly, like a well-oiled machine. I even wake up multiple times a night (every night) with my “future thinking” running on auto-pilot. The hell?!

But, when you think about it–pun intended –future thinking is somewhat useless; at least to the degree that my brain is doing it. Yes, it’s good to have a plan…some idea of where you want to be 2, 5, 20 years from now…what you want to be doing. It’s always a good thing to have goals & direction & determination. I just mean that I think my brain expends way too much energy on the future; a little bit would be good, but in my particular situation it’s counter-productive because I need to figure out what we’re supposed to be doing now. Maybe it’s because my brain is scared that in the future I’ll be in this same situation again, so it’s frantically trying to find the switch that changes the tracks of this destructive train.

I’ve never been so lost…wait, that’s a lie. Two other times in my life I’ve suffered this deep despair.
1) Trying to choose what to go to college for. I didn’t want to be any particular thing (ie: lawyer, nurse, President) so I became scared that I’d end up not having a job, being broke all the time, and my prime college years (as well as funding) would be wasted*. I eventually settled on being a preschool teacher (I know, I need my ass kicked) & went off and on for, oh, about 2 years total; then I dropped out because the child care center I worked for made me a teacher so I figured to hell with school! Ahh…what a non-planning dumbass I was. All of the uncertainty threw me for a loop, all the “Is this the right decision?”‘s bowled me over. I read once that Libra’s are full of indecision & I believe it to be true; I don’t like being told specifically what to do however loose guidelines on the correct thing to do is appreciated.

2) When my Mom was snatched away from me one bright, sunny & snowy morning…when all should’ve been well…and happy…and normal. If I allow those mental gates to open it all comes rushing back & I get caught in the undertow. I’m pretty certain I literally lost a piece of my mental capacity that day. To this day living without her fills me with despair (among other emotions); I was so lost, shocked numb…didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to function. I was just a total blank blackboard. As time passed things began naturally working towards resolutions, whatever the situation called for…you know: the funeral process, her belongings (another rough spot for me), her “affairs” as they say, etc. Everything seemed to have a natural course to follow.

*Ironically (or maybe not) that’s exactly what happened anyway but I guess the upside is that I saved my Dad some tuition money.

I am lacking in many areas, some my own doing, some not. Lacking in guidance. Comfort. Choices. Understanding. Mobility. Financially. Intelligence. Security. Happiness. Emotional support. Options. Friendship. Smiling. Shopping. Fun. How do I rectify these things? How do I reverse the negative & increase the positive?? Without trying to get into a whole other -not written yet- post, I feel like I’m doing the best I can with what I have to work with right now. For example, I check the online job site daily, along with Craigslist & “cold” applications (when you pick a place & just apply); I apply for any & every job that I meet the qualifications for (which is not many because I don’t have a degree in anything so STAY IN SCHOOL!); I wait; I receive a decline email…if I receive anything. So I’m left asking myself…what else could I do? What am I doing wrong? What else can I do? Hell, I’ve even walked to some places specifically to apply.

And it’s that same set of questions that plagues me about everything these days. Income is the key to everything, but until it unlocks the door, all these problems keep piling up & are putting so much pressure on the door (aka my brain) that it’s about to splinter apart. And time! Time is running out and then…well, those will be dark times indeed, my friends. Too many eggs in this basket.

Ever have a shit storm hit yourlife? If so, how’d you muddle through it? I need all the advice I can get. Apologies if this post didn’t make much sense…I endured multiple interruptions & my brain is functioning in a lower gear tonight. Plus, almost none of my posts do make sense, so there’s that too.

Message in a bottle…

Ahoy!

I’ve been lost but I’ve (momentarily) found my way back…to WordPress anyway.

It’s terribly hard to pay your phone bill when you have no steady income, so I haven’t had the internet access people usually take for granted. On top of that, the internet/Wi-Fi at the house has been acting wonky…if the desktop had internet then the router wouldn’t & vice versa. I was finally able to straighten that out, so it all works together now, but the signal the router gets has been in & out for some reason the past few days.

You can’t win for losing, eh? More like ‘I’.

Hopefully everyone out there is doing well & enjoying nice weather. As for me, my life is still a jumbled, aggravating, lonely, heavy mess. I’ll spare you the details; at least in this post.

My clinical depression has come back swiftly & more intensely than before, when I was first diagnosed as a teen. The only thing(s) that saves me is my kids and I truly mean that. Dark thoughts are no laughing matter and the more you have the easier it seems to pull them off. I’m sure some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. I guess in one respect it’s a hidden blessing that I am broke right now, otherwise I’d have plenty of money to transform thoughts into actions.

Maybe I’m weird or selfish but it makes me so sad–to the point of tearing up–to think of not seeing my babies grow up, to not be there with them. So they really do save me; they’re handy for cheering me up daily & they’re also good at being annoying sometimes to help take my mind off of things (haha).

I feel bad about returning with such a depressing & dreary post but I had to clear my head a little….so, I’ll return you to your regularly scheduled programming after leaving you with a picture of this….

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This always brings a smile.

You’re welcome. 😉

PS: don’t you just love the Ticket Oak & the retarded faces it makes?!
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PPS: yes, I still use the word retarded to describe ridiculous, silly, funny stuff. So don’t judge me. It’s stupid for some people to make such a big deal out of some words.

Brutally honest.

This is shaping up to be one of the roughest weeks on our record. It seems like all situations in our life are at their most dismal point. And as usual it’s all or nothing…everything wrong at once.

My usually adequate powers of creating meals out of nothing have been particularly taxed lately. To be brutally honest we’ve been hanging on by a thread, feasting on popcorn for snacks & eating fried chickpeas for dinner. Embarrassing to reveal but I’m not too worried about it…
      -I doubt many readers will even see my revelations.
      -At least we’re eating something.
      -I’m sure we’re not the only people to endure times like this.
I truly envy the people who are able to go into a store & buy a loaf of bread and lunchmeat. Or the people who eat out as often as they like, never realizing how truly fortunate they are. I truly can’t remember the last time I was able to just stop & eat here or there, giving no conscious thought to how much it would cost, how much it would set me back, or what I’d have to give up in order to eat one meal out. I freely admit I’m jealous of those people…something so seemingly unimportant to most. They don’t know how fortunate they are; isn’t it often like that? When we’re able to have what we need (or want) we tend to take it for granted. Unfortunately money only goes so far, no matter what concessions you make to stretch it or how much you may scrimp. It is finite. And once you’re out…you’re out.

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I dream of fast food. How pitiful.

I’ve also been feeling out of sorts physically & emotionally. I haven’t been sick per se, but I haven’t felt good. I think I have some sort of sinus infection (Thanks, genes from Dad). As far as emotionally…I don’t know if I’m still experiencing undercurrents of the Momiversary or just plain having a pity party but I’ve been feeling…unimportant. I have few people that I’m close to & that I actually talk to & I can’t escape the feeling that I’m simply uninteresting; forgettable; replaceable. Not an enjoyable feeling as I’m sure anyone would agree.

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I miss my best friend so much it hurts. Back when life was normal we’d talk every day for about 2 hours, trading stories & stresses & woes & advice, as best friends are apt to do. Then through a series of phones being shut off & unavailability & various everyday reasons we’ve lost touch. It is truly a gaping hole in my soul…she always listened & always knew the right thing to say to set my over-anxious, paranoid, OCD ass straight. I often feel like C hears me but doesn’t listen…like he’s just waiting for me to finish talking so he can utter the standard responses & carry on his way. I realize that as a stay at home mom I don’t always have the most enthralling subject matter but I’m still human…I still require some true attention, I still like to feel important, included, needed. I know he loves me…he just doesn’t seem to care about what goes on in my head, what I have to say. It just feels like I almost have no one to count on as it is, and the few people I do have just don’t have time or interest or inclination or…care.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for my self. Maybe I’m just being a big cry baby. Maybe it’s the depression creeping in. Maybe it’s the dreary weather.

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Maybe it’s my plethora of worries that I feel powerless to fix, stop or change. Maybe it’s the prospect of this current loop getting stuck on repeat. Maybe it’s all in my head, under the category of paranoia. Maybe it’s all the recent bad luck we’ve had…when does it end?

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When does the good news arrive?
When do I get to feel normal again?