Tag Archives: death

Marilyn Monroe: seldom seen photos!

I feel like doing a quick post on Ms. Monroe: #1 because I’ve been meaning to for some time now, and #2 I need to free up some space. I had notes with the details of this session, ie: where it occurred, the photographer, etc but I’ve misplaced them at the moment. When I find them I will update; until then hopefully a superfan with better memory & organizational skills will happen upon this lil’ blog & share their knowledge. I do remember that these photos were taken mere months before her untimely death. Looking at them & knowing what we know, it is so hard to fathom something so beautiful & unique suddenly being snuffed out. Terribly sad.

Without further ado, Ms. Marilyn Monroe……..

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The wall behind her is exactly like a wall that used to be at my grandmother's house.

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This is one of my faves. I don't know why, maybe the natural-ness of it?

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Must've been cold!!

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Obviously these are stolen borrowed from a book I read. Hopefully the author/whoever owns the photos won’t try to take me to court for using them without permission; I just want to share Marilyn with other fans.

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The Momiversary.

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Christmas 2007, me, my daughter, Mom, my sister, my other daughter.

Yesterday marked the (unbelievably) 5th year since my Mom’s sudden passing. Unfortunately if I allow it, memories of that day & the following days (and weeks) haunt me until I’m literally so stressed out by it that I find myself suddenly waking from too-real nightmares, tears pouring down my face. I miss her so much I can’t even type that without getting that little nose tickle you get when you’re about to cry. And watery eyes. As most mothers are she was a huge part of my life, of my children’s lives. She was my rock, my cheering section, my voice of reason, my memory bank, my best friend…at the risk of sounding too “lover-ish” she was my everything.

Then poof…she was gone. What a cruel, cruel world it can be.

Luckily despite various paths in life, my sister & I have found ourselves living in the same town (not our hometown) & have therefore developed a much closer, deeper relationship than we ever had before. She is 6 years younger than me so there has always been a natural gap between our interests but now as adults we find ourselves on a lot of the same pages, which is nice. It’s extremely comforting to me to know that I have someone who has my back. We’re old enough now to surpass any petty fights, although we never have any. I can confidently say (and rest assured that it’s true) that we will always be there for the other, no matter what. Mom passing away helped bridge that age gap as well…we were both suddenly thrust into a forces membership in the “One Deceased Parent”‘s club, so we are together on a level most people can’t access until later in life.

For the past 5 years I’ve struggled to find an appropriate term for recognizing this terrible day in our lives. It’s not that I want to celebrate it; I just feel guilty if it goes unnoticed…like we’re forgetting her, or the worst day of my life wasn’t truly the worst day of my life. I’ve also struggled to think of a way to honor her: prepare a favorite meal of hers (although I’m ashamed to say I’m quickly forgetting what those were)? Buy some balloons & release them to the heavens, with other without letters attached? Exchange letters with my sister containing memories or thoughts on what our mother would think of us now? Get lost in memories by sifting through pictures & eventually sobbing myself to sleep? Nothing seems fitting. I have stumbled upon a name however…”Momiversary”. It doesn’t depict any depressing thoughts of death, yet it also doesn’t imply a joyous celebration. It is an anniversary, and it is for our Mom. I just happened to have a lightbulb this year.

I wish I had pictures to share…Mom was definitely a camera ducker but she was beautiful & when you were lucky enough to catch a real smile it is contagious…I can’t help but smile back. All of my photos are packed up or on the computer (to which Hubby misplaced the cord); I hate that I can’t post any here. I have no grand final thoughts on this post…I’m thankful for family & my sister…I ache inside for my Mom, I can feel my heart crumble when I think of her & the looming void now in my life…I urge all of you that still have your Mom to seriously cherish her, don’t let small things annoy you, remember that she won’t always be there, don’t take her life for granted because the cold hard truth is that you never know when her life might be gone…leaving you with open wounds, an unfillable void in your soul and more regrets than any human being should have to bear.

Poor Philip.

I was super sad to learn of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s passing yesterday. I was taken by surprise that it was due to an apparent heroin overdose, as he was found in the bathroom with a needle still in his arm. He was a great actor & it is disheartening to think about the fact that he’s now gone forever. It brings to mind the likes of Paul Walker, Heath Ledger, James Gandolfini…the list goes on and on. It always bothers me, these sudden and unexpected deaths. It’s like there is a hole waiting to be filled but never will be.

My favorite Hoffman films are ‘Twister’, ‘Boogie Nights’ and ‘Capote’. I also enjoy the majority of his appearances in anything, actually. He was one of a kind & really owned whatever role he picked up. He brought something unique to his roles and the movies he appeared in wouldn’t be the same without him…he definitely made an awesome impact on Hollywood. I will miss seeing his wonderful work & I hope he is at peace from whatever demons drove those needles into his arms.

RIP Philip.

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****As time marches on the public is learning more & more about Philip S. Hoffman’s last days & more detailed information about his sudden demise. When we learn new information sometimes we have to mold, elaborate or change our opinions entirely. I was not aware that Philip had struggled with addiction before, around the age of 22. He managed to overcome it for the past 23 years, which is quite a feat. It seems to me that something pretty huge must’ve occurred in his life that triggered a relapse in December 2013. Considering his baby mama & long-time girlfriend Mimi O’Donnell recently “asked him to move out”, I’d be willing to bet he relapsed due to extended, deep, personal issues with her. Not at all implying that it’s her fault or she’s to blame in any way…but…left to his own devices…possibly (probably) upset & unhappy about things going on in his life…it’s no wonder to me that he relapsed. Or, if he’d already relapsed some time ago but started hitting it harder to counteract depression/negative emotions. I completely understand her not wanting their children exposed to anything drug related; paraphernalia, his behavior while high/jonesing to be high, drug dealers coming & going, yadda yadda. And I don’t know the private details of their interactions (for instance if she tried to help him with love, talking, support, etc). It just seems kind of cold to me that after 23 hard won years of beating a nagging addiction, when he falls off the wagon he’s kicked to the curb. Of course she couldn’t of known the outcome but surely–if she held any concern for him at all–the possibility of what did happen had to of crossed her mind at some point. If it were me I know I’d be carrying a lot of guilt & regret, which may or may not be right…but I would. To see the last photos taken of Mr. Hoffman, go here. Nothing offensive of course (like his deceased body or some such nonsense), just the last photos taken of a man who needed help…they are sad indeed.

My Michael Jackson post (years after the fact).

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I would imagine it would be the rare person indeed who could claim nowadays to never have at least heard a Michael Jackson song, younger generations not withstanding of course. Almost all of us have had some contact with his genius whether through a movie, the radio, our own personal music collection, television, books/magazines…somewhere along the way we’ve heard or seen the King of Pop. Having recently read the biography about him by J. Randy Taraborrelli I have renewed my (recurring) mini-obsession with MJ. Don’t get me wrong….I’m not a super fan & I don’t claim to know every factoid about him. I just know what I’ve read/seen & have my opinions on it.
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Michael’s attitude & actions
I’ve heard & read countless times that Michael was the type of person where if an employee/friend/family member told him “no” or wouldn’t get what he’d requested, they’d simply be “out”. He’d stop associating with them or they’d be fired. People were (apparently, according to the biography I read by Tarraborelli) fearful for their jobs. This is completely understandable & completely believable. Michael was treated-quite literally-like a king; he’d become accustomed to a way of life the majority of us will never live & therefore fail to grasp. He probably hadn’t been told “no” more than 8 times since the age of 5….long, long ago he acquired the luxury of people at his beck & call, staff to cater his whims, “handlers” (for lack of a better group term) to foresee & appease his wants & needs. I can understand the mentality of it all, even if I admittedly can’t fully understand what a life like that must be like (on either side of the fence). People were disposable….and that’s not implying Michael was some hateful, spoiled, crappy person who treated others badly (I’ve heard & read the exact opposite so much I’m beginning to wonder if he had a golden heart)….he was, plain & simple, rich as shit; he was free to do what he wanted; if one person wouldn’t do this or that then fine, this person over here will. That’s what I mean by disposable. There would always be someone, somewhere & he knew it.
The reason I flew off on this tangent is because during my mini-obsession I can’t escape the “what if” plague. What if his family would’ve intervened? After his death, everyones (EVERYONES) excuse is that they knew but couldn’t help MJ because he’d either fire them or kick them out of his life. I think we can all agree that most families will get along as well as have fights, stop speaking, be really mad at each other, all that jazz. However family should & usually does find their way back to each other & make up. I know not all families do that, I realize we don’t live in My Little Ponyville or Smurf-land. But the Jackson’s prior history certainly indicates that if there is a disagreement/fight, after some time passes everyone is welcomed back into the fold, hunky-dory. I can’t help but wonder if family-someone who Michael couldn’t get rid off & would eventually make up with-would have succeeded….if they would’ve just pushed & pushed until he went to rehab, then fought & fought to keep him there Do whatever it took. Michael would’ve been mad & resisted, I’m sure….but maybe-just maybe-he’d still be here today.

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Michael, circa 1989

Michael’s appearance
Personally I think the time frame he looked his best was the last couple years of the 80’s. He was just starting his “King-ship” and getting a taste of financial freedom & making his own choices. He had a small amount of plastic surgery & turned out like the photo above. If he would’ve only felt confident enough to stay like that! Instead he had to keep pushing & tweaking, trying to achieve a certain look he had set in his mind. Unfortunately he ended up like this….

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Michael's mugshot, date unknown/after the 90's

…which isn’t even the worst photo but definitely one of the creepier ones. I hate that he felt so insecure in himself that he literally turned himself into this. To be on top of the world financially, career-wise, health wise….yet to feel so badly about yourself that you reduce yourself to an unrecognizable shell. It’s sad, very very sad. Unbeknownst to him, by starting the surgery obsession he opened the flood gates for people & the media to start running their mouth. Then he probably felt the need to continue the surgeries, in a futile attempt to be normal again; all it ended up accomplishing was more negativity.

Michael & molestation

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Michael Jackson & Jordie Chandler

Where to begin with this Pandora’s box? What is there to say–in support of either side–that hasn’t been said a zillion times before? That being considered, I’ll just stick with my personal opinion as opposed to trying to exonerate (or condemn) MJ. Nothing I say will convince anyone anyway, I don’t think…they’d have to research & read & discover just like I did in order to be convinced. For years I have been undecided as to whether or not all of the abuse allegations against him were true…now, after extensive reading, various sources and a better (aka adult) perspective on life, I can safely say that I don’t believe he molested anyone, anytime. It seems quite obvious to me that the Arvizo’s were after money: plain & simple. The Chandler situation seems to be the same way, although it seems like a bigger betrayal because they were much closer than the Arvizo’s. It would take a whole other post to specify each point so I won’t drag that up here. I think Michael was an easy target because he was lonely, insecure, had a soft spot for children (& animals, as many of us non-serial killer people do), was eccentric & rich…very…very rich. The media & the accusers picked up on these traits (though not in that order) and exploited them as long as they could. Today, Jordie Chandler enjoys his millions while living in a penthouse & apparently having a wonderful time shopping with friends…

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Jordie Chandler today; spending his "hard earned" millions with a buddy.

I’m sure the Arvizo’s are also enjoying a largely enhanced lifestyle due to their “hard earned” millions as well. The truth is we will never know the truth. Even if MJ were here today & proclaimed his innocence (like he did before, yes) people wouldn’t believe him. There will always be a divide on this topic because there is no definitive, 100% proof either way. Instances such as this really gnaw at me because I want a firm, fact-backed answer, you know? It all comes down to what you believe & what you don’t believe. I used to lump him in with the majority of the media & society, but after my research I now understand all the different levels of this situation, and of Michael Jackson. I pity the poor man. This may be overdramatic but I truly wish I could rewind time for him & magically fix all the bad in his life….it just seems so unfair, once you absorb all the details (the same details from different sources-that’s what lends credibility to them), that he suffered as he did in so many ways.

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Michael, 1988 Bad Tour, London

R.I.P. Michael Jackson.

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In concert during the glory days.