Brutally honest.

This is shaping up to be one of the roughest weeks on our record. It seems like all situations in our life are at their most dismal point. And as usual it’s all or nothing…everything wrong at once.

My usually adequate powers of creating meals out of nothing have been particularly taxed lately. To be brutally honest we’ve been hanging on by a thread, feasting on popcorn for snacks & eating fried chickpeas for dinner. Embarrassing to reveal but I’m not too worried about it…
      -I doubt many readers will even see my revelations.
      -At least we’re eating something.
      -I’m sure we’re not the only people to endure times like this.
I truly envy the people who are able to go into a store & buy a loaf of bread and lunchmeat. Or the people who eat out as often as they like, never realizing how truly fortunate they are. I truly can’t remember the last time I was able to just stop & eat here or there, giving no conscious thought to how much it would cost, how much it would set me back, or what I’d have to give up in order to eat one meal out. I freely admit I’m jealous of those people…something so seemingly unimportant to most. They don’t know how fortunate they are; isn’t it often like that? When we’re able to have what we need (or want) we tend to take it for granted. Unfortunately money only goes so far, no matter what concessions you make to stretch it or how much you may scrimp. It is finite. And once you’re out…you’re out.

I dream of fast food. How pitiful.

I’ve also been feeling out of sorts physically & emotionally. I haven’t been sick per se, but I haven’t felt good. I think I have some sort of sinus infection (Thanks, genes from Dad). As far as emotionally…I don’t know if I’m still experiencing undercurrents of the Momiversary or just plain having a pity party but I’ve been feeling…unimportant. I have few people that I’m close to & that I actually talk to & I can’t escape the feeling that I’m simply uninteresting; forgettable; replaceable. Not an enjoyable feeling as I’m sure anyone would agree.

I miss my best friend so much it hurts. Back when life was normal we’d talk every day for about 2 hours, trading stories & stresses & woes & advice, as best friends are apt to do. Then through a series of phones being shut off & unavailability & various everyday reasons we’ve lost touch. It is truly a gaping hole in my soul…she always listened & always knew the right thing to say to set my over-anxious, paranoid, OCD ass straight. I often feel like C hears me but doesn’t listen…like he’s just waiting for me to finish talking so he can utter the standard responses & carry on his way. I realize that as a stay at home mom I don’t always have the most enthralling subject matter but I’m still human…I still require some true attention, I still like to feel important, included, needed. I know he loves me…he just doesn’t seem to care about what goes on in my head, what I have to say. It just feels like I almost have no one to count on as it is, and the few people I do have just don’t have time or interest or inclination or…care.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for my self. Maybe I’m just being a big cry baby. Maybe it’s the depression creeping in. Maybe it’s the dreary weather.

Maybe it’s my plethora of worries that I feel powerless to fix, stop or change. Maybe it’s the prospect of this current loop getting stuck on repeat. Maybe it’s all in my head, under the category of paranoia. Maybe it’s all the recent bad luck we’ve had…when does it end?

When does the good news arrive?
When do I get to feel normal again?