Yesterday marked the (unbelievably) 5th year since my Mom’s sudden passing. Unfortunately if I allow it, memories of that day & the following days (and weeks) haunt me until I’m literally so stressed out by it that I find myself suddenly waking from too-real nightmares, tears pouring down my face. I miss her so much I can’t even type that without getting that little nose tickle you get when you’re about to cry. And watery eyes. As most mothers are she was a huge part of my life, of my children’s lives. She was my rock, my cheering section, my voice of reason, my memory bank, my best friend…at the risk of sounding too “lover-ish” she was my everything.
Then poof…she was gone. What a cruel, cruel world it can be.
Luckily despite various paths in life, my sister & I have found ourselves living in the same town (not our hometown) & have therefore developed a much closer, deeper relationship than we ever had before. She is 6 years younger than me so there has always been a natural gap between our interests but now as adults we find ourselves on a lot of the same pages, which is nice. It’s extremely comforting to me to know that I have someone who has my back. We’re old enough now to surpass any petty fights, although we never have any. I can confidently say (and rest assured that it’s true) that we will always be there for the other, no matter what. Mom passing away helped bridge that age gap as well…we were both suddenly thrust into a forces membership in the “One Deceased Parent”‘s club, so we are together on a level most people can’t access until later in life.
For the past 5 years I’ve struggled to find an appropriate term for recognizing this terrible day in our lives. It’s not that I want to celebrate it; I just feel guilty if it goes unnoticed…like we’re forgetting her, or the worst day of my life wasn’t truly the worst day of my life. I’ve also struggled to think of a way to honor her: prepare a favorite meal of hers (although I’m ashamed to say I’m quickly forgetting what those were)? Buy some balloons & release them to the heavens, with other without letters attached? Exchange letters with my sister containing memories or thoughts on what our mother would think of us now? Get lost in memories by sifting through pictures & eventually sobbing myself to sleep? Nothing seems fitting. I have stumbled upon a name however…”Momiversary”. It doesn’t depict any depressing thoughts of death, yet it also doesn’t imply a joyous celebration. It is an anniversary, and it is for our Mom. I just happened to have a lightbulb this year.
I wish I had pictures to share…Mom was definitely a camera ducker but she was beautiful & when you were lucky enough to catch a real smile it is contagious…I can’t help but smile back. All of my photos are packed up or on the computer (to which Hubby misplaced the cord); I hate that I can’t post any here. I have no grand final thoughts on this post…I’m thankful for family & my sister…I ache inside for my Mom, I can feel my heart crumble when I think of her & the looming void now in my life…I urge all of you that still have your Mom to seriously cherish her, don’t let small things annoy you, remember that she won’t always be there, don’t take her life for granted because the cold hard truth is that you never know when her life might be gone…leaving you with open wounds, an unfillable void in your soul and more regrets than any human being should have to bear.
I came upon this book while my mini-obsession with Marilyn Monroe (the most recent one) was going on…this woman’s name was mentioned in something I read & it said she’d written a tell-all book about her & JFK. I was able to borrow it & I have to say it is not all it’s made out to be.
It seems like the main character, Mimi Alford, doesn’t quite have enough to adequately fill an entire book, so she drags out repetitions of being forced to keep her secret, along with enthralling all of use readers with the many reason why her first marriage failed (concluding of course that overall it was due to “her secret”), and basically using boring, mundane everyday life as filler for the rest of the book. I skipped every single page of the last 8 chapters. I always (always!) try to finish a book…I can’t stand leaving it open ended. But I could not make myself trudge through this one.
The stories of the President are interesting, as is her journey to the White House in the first place. I could throw some spoilers out here for you but that would make it too easy! Suffice it to say while the stories were interesting, they’re a bit incredulous & I’m not quite sure I believe them…I wasn’t there, and out of the 2 people who would know (Mimi & JFK) one is deceased & unable to dispute people’s stories….I’m just sayin’. Also, there are lots of instances where authors are encouraged to spice things up in order to sell copy…I’m just sayin’. On the other hand, what reason would this woman have to lie & make all this up, especially now?
Anyway, I don’t highly recommend it. You could probably find the most interesting parts on the internet & save yourself the trouble of trying to track it down & the time having to sludge through it.
I was super sad to learn of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s passing yesterday. I was taken by surprise that it was due to an apparent heroin overdose, as he was found in the bathroom with a needle still in his arm. He was a great actor & it is disheartening to think about the fact that he’s now gone forever. It brings to mind the likes of Paul Walker, Heath Ledger, James Gandolfini…the list goes on and on. It always bothers me, these sudden and unexpected deaths. It’s like there is a hole waiting to be filled but never will be.
My favorite Hoffman films are ‘Twister’, ‘Boogie Nights’ and ‘Capote’. I also enjoy the majority of his appearances in anything, actually. He was one of a kind & really owned whatever role he picked up. He brought something unique to his roles and the movies he appeared in wouldn’t be the same without him…he definitely made an awesome impact on Hollywood. I will miss seeing his wonderful work & I hope he is at peace from whatever demons drove those needles into his arms.
****As time marches on the public is learning more & more about Philip S. Hoffman’s last days & more detailed information about his sudden demise. When we learn new information sometimes we have to mold, elaborate or change our opinions entirely. I was not aware that Philip had struggled with addiction before, around the age of 22. He managed to overcome it for the past 23 years, which is quite a feat. It seems to me that something pretty huge must’ve occurred in his life that triggered a relapse in December 2013. Considering his baby mama & long-time girlfriend Mimi O’Donnell recently “asked him to move out”, I’d be willing to bet he relapsed due to extended, deep, personal issues with her. Not at all implying that it’s her fault or she’s to blame in any way…but…left to his own devices…possibly (probably) upset & unhappy about things going on in his life…it’s no wonder to me that he relapsed. Or, if he’d already relapsed some time ago but started hitting it harder to counteract depression/negative emotions. I completely understand her not wanting their children exposed to anything drug related; paraphernalia, his behavior while high/jonesing to be high, drug dealers coming & going, yadda yadda. And I don’t know the private details of their interactions (for instance if she tried to help him with love, talking, support, etc). It just seems kind of cold to me that after 23 hard won years of beating a nagging addiction, when he falls off the wagon he’s kicked to the curb. Of course she couldn’t of known the outcome but surely–if she held any concern for him at all–the possibility of what did happen had to of crossed her mind at some point. If it were me I know I’d be carrying a lot of guilt & regret, which may or may not be right…but I would. To see the last photos taken of Mr. Hoffman, go here. Nothing offensive of course (like his deceased body or some such nonsense), just the last photos taken of a man who needed help…they are sad indeed.